Here is me doing stand up at Levity last Friday
What the hell Academy? It’s not that I think the nominees for best picture are bad, but you left out Drive! DRIVE!!!! Is everyone in the movie industry smoking meth? Is that the new thing now, where all the important people in Hollywood get together, smoke meth, and decide which movies should be nominated for best picture? You didn’t even nominate Albert Brooks for best supporting actor. We like to praise actors for taking roles outside their wheelhouse and stepping outside their comfort zone. Usually this means a straight actor playing a gay character in a movie with a lot of gay sex scenes. Well how about showing Albert Brooks some love. Here is a comedian who took on a role where he stabs someone in the fuckin eye with a fork. Nothing funny about that. If you haven’t seen the movie you may be thinking “what type of funny antics precursor a scene where Albert Brooks stabs someone in the eye? Does he slip on a banana peel or something? Does hilarity ensue as he apologizes profusely while some guy is bleeding from the eye, and he really wants to drive him to the hospital but does not want to get blood on his seats because he just had them reupholstered.” None of that shit happens. Here is the scene: Albert Brooks is really angry, he puts a fork in a guy’s eye socket, then stabs him in the throat. It’s terrifying. It also sucks that Ryan Gosling wasn’t nominated but I’m not loosing any sleep over it. “O.K. Ryan, in this scene you have to be stoic and handsome, think you can handle that?” Talk about digging deep, how the hell did he pull that one off (sarcasm)? Albert Brooks was brilliant in Drive, I’ll go toe to toe with a coked out Scarface before meeting Bernie Rose in a pizza joint any day of the week (I die in both scenarios, but at least I won’t get stabbed in the eye before getting stabbed in the throat). However, the fact that Brooks was so good in the movie, makes it strangely appropriate that he got snubed by the Oscars.
Hello Gang! Or to be more accurate, Hello me when I decide to update my blog in two months. It has been awhile since I posted anything, so let me give you a little update of my life since December: didn’t get into the higher ground battle, didn’t get into the Funniest comics in New England battle, gained ten pound, and may have a drinking problem. Yep, that pretty much covers it. If I was trying to win the “saddest blog post” on the web challenge I would stop here, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Despite getting no love from the comedy judges, I do have a couple of shows coming up in February I would like to tell you about. On February 17th I’m doing a fifteen minute set at Levity. There will be two shows, one at 7:30 and one at 9:30. I suggest you go to the 9:30 one, it’s a younger crowd and they just seem to get my comedy. The 7:30 show is usually me in front of a bunch of middle age people who cringe when they hear the word ‘dick’….very sad (for me, not them). For more info http://levityvt.com/. Tickets sell out fast. Then on February 21st, I have a show at the Flynn Space in Burlington, at 7:30. I don’t have a number to call, but just google it, your sitting in front of a fuckin computer, you robot! So there you have it, my two reasons to live, come to the shows and have fun.
And before you leave my blog to pirate movies or surf porn, check out my latest video of my last show at levity on 1/20. Fellow comedian Phil Davidson had the great idea of putting on a show where the line up is only comedians rejected from the Higher Ground comedy battle. Both me and Phil are extremely angry, bitter people, and if Higher Ground doesn’t want us in their little club, fine! We’ll put on our own fuckin show! And I learned something that night, I learned that a comedy show, fueled by bitter resentment, equals hilarity. Everyone brought there A-game, and I think I had the best set of my life, despite blanking out half way through.
One more thing, I have a twitter account….but seriously, who gives a shit, certainly not I. I get so excited when I write these blog post, “Hello World, I have a twitter account, finally you will be privy to my every thought….lucky you.” I forget I’m the only one reading my blog, so essentially all I’m doing is reminding my future self that I have a neglected twitter account, wasting away in internet world like a bloated buffalo carcass in the middle of the desert. And on that note, I’m out.